pt/pa

just to start this is a start
and I hope there is a there here


Maybe I am on a journey from here to there
or maybe I have arrived here and am now
searching - looking for things that I can associate
with - trying to detect things which are familiar
and friendly. A color or a sound, maybe a shape.

I've thought the search was for a want or a desire or
a need. A desire for power and control - clarity -
understanding maybe sercurity or comfort. Really?
It could just be identity.

The terrain feels most unfamiliar and often uncomfortable.
My thoughts tend to be scattered - and it is often difficult
to focus - My feelings change frequently - there
is nothing specific to latch onto - and the feelings go from
one thing to another - sometimes angry - sometimes sad.
Sometimes regret - often uncertainty.

I remember things from time to time but the memories
do not really connect - they tend to be visual - like
shadows and don't hold alot of emotional content.

I could say that I'm looking for an answer - or a hint.
But it's all very thin and not specific -
Is it confidence I lack - companionship - or sense of
purpose.

Frequently or often it seems like good and bad -
dark and light - up and down - non- specific.
But I feel the search - there is a search.

Looking to find. And there is a sense of other. An other
that is constantly present - if not exactly present I feel the
other consistently. The other is specific and seems
often more clear than self. The other seems to
exude a confidence - maybe a light and more of
a sense of purpose and place. Sometimes the other
is remote - and sometimes the connection to other
is more difficult for me to make. Sometime that
connection is a source of satisfaction and comfort
and ease. And sometimes there is a sense of
conflict and confusion and uncertainty.

But the sense of other does not seem to go away - it
persists through a variety of conditions.

So where does this search lead me?

More power?
More happiness?
More control?
More comfort?
More security?
More?

It seems I have more questions than answers.
The questions seem to lead to more questions.

So I continue to look for the now now - and the there there.